Cop Email #1

Caution: This email contains an excessive amount of sarcasm and may be found offensive to type A personalities…enjoy

Attention Donut-Eaters,

We (FD) were heartbroken at the loss of Officer Laura. I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose one of my brothers or sisters, especially in such a way, with the circumstantial wreckage of her 4 year old left behind. You folks have done a valiant job raising funds for Laura’s daughter and we’d like to work alongside you. We have an annual event called Stache-Tober Fest in which the firefighters of North County grow staches for 6 weeks and have a competition that raises a ton of cash. We use mustaches, because it’s an outward sign of support that the whole family can recognize, enjoy and scrutinize. For example, if we were having an event for undercover cops, we’d all grow goatees, mountain-man beards, get tattoos, smoke cigarettes and drive mini vans. But it’s a fire event! So we make mustaches!!…that’s what we do!…when we’re not working out, polishing our trucks or watchin’ soap operas in one of the 15 barcaloungers.

The Fest will be held on October 15th at Stone Brewery at 5pm (pre-drinkin/set-up at 3pm), cover charge of $10, optional dinner at 6pm ($30 and includes $50 worth of stone food, buffet style).

All beer is free if you are employed by Stone brewery, otherwise its full price, with $1-$2 of every beer going to the Fest (depending on the beer). So bring a clean liver, ‘cause you’re gonna need it. If you’re a dirt-bag when you’re drunk please bring your own pair of hand cuffs so we can arrest you when you get out of control.

Now, a very important part of this information is the mustache-growing start date. Listen carefully, the CHP told me you city cops have a hard time following directions you didn’t make up: The mustache growing will start on Sept 1st. If you wish to compete, ake a picture of your clean shaven face next to a dated newspaper (Sept. 1st or later) and submit it at www.stachetoberfest.net Now I know what you’re thinking, “I’m a cop, everyone knows cops don’t look good in mustaches. Plus the Firefighters are so handsome in their follicular glory…it just doesn’t seem fair.” Don’t worry! There are many pathetic mustache categories and we will reward you handsomely to make fun of yours. Plus, there’s gotta be some Italian cops out there, huh? Sicilians? If you want to see what you’re up against, watch the videos on the website and bathe in the glory of year’s past. There are also existing mustache categories, if you want to beef up an existing stache. Now we don’t usually let the cops in, so this could possibly change the face of Stache-Tober Fest this year. So don’t embarrass yourself showing up to this thing like a naked baby. If your wife (or husband?) gives you grief for growing (and they will), tell them it’s for an orphaned child.

This event relies heavily on the friendlies of the recipient, you, police. My hope is to have an equal ratio of cop to firefighter mustaches, a tall order, but I think you folks can pull it off. And ladies! Don’t worry. You are more than welcome to grow a mustache as well. Just hit up the narcotic lock up and juice up that upper lip. Otherwise you can wear a fakey like all the other ladies and compete as well.

I’ll be honest, I’m excited to hang out with you people. The only time we get together is when we out-perform you in some sort of physical competition…

…I know, I know, you have the softball trophy. You don’t have to rub it in.

All joking aside, we’re doing this for Laura, for Suzeth and for you, our brothers and sisters. Give www.stachetoberfest.net a visit, buy some tickets, some shirts, and a handful of dinners and we’ll see you there. And if you see a firefighter in the city, after September 1st who is not growing a mustache, be sure to give them a ration of sprinkles for it.

Thanks

dom

PS. Sorry about the harsh title. I had to figure out how to get hundreds of cops to read a page+ email from a fireman they didn’t know. If you’re reading this it worked. Thanks again, we appreciate what you do.