Cop Email #2

Warning: They’re all long, sorry. I’m really arrogant and like to hear myself talk.


Puny Firemen Seeking the Help of Bold and Brave Muscle Bound Cops

Congratulations brothers and sisters, you have successfully endured the first of many (long) sarcastic emails from a fireman you may or may not know, hate, love, detest or still undecided. Being that the first was so crass, we’ll try and balance them out, you know, good cop/bad cop. But in all seriousness, we (FD) pride ourselves in having a working relationship with you folks. Many of my fellow fire fighters from other departments don’t even have a standing relationship with their police…they hate each other. It’s really a bummer. Some of the ESC FD were a bit miffed at the last email I sent you, “don’t go screwing up our good relationship with the cops!” I assured them not to worry. You guys love us, right? Sure, sure, we always jack up your crime scenes and you always park right in front of the burning house we are trying to extinguish…but other than that we enjoy each other, right? Don’t tell any of the fire fighters, but this won’t be the first time I’ve had drinks with a cop off duty. And don’t worry Bubba, I won’t tell anyone that you hang out with firefighter(s).

So let’s talk some details. Because we love you guys so much, we commissioned the Stone Gargoyle Artist to design a gargoyle for the t-shirt this year. You won’t see anything like this anywhere else. It will have a police themed gargoyle with Laura’s name and badge number on it. It will come in men’s and women’s cut, poly-blend shirts and sweatshirts. They might seem overpriced to you (cause you’re cheap like us), but remember this is a charity. Plus they’re made of unicorn hide and spun by magic elves, (elf unions are ruthless). This charity has no middlemen; every blue cent goes to Suzeth. So buy the snot out of these things or if you can’t, get your friends to buy your snot’s-worth. (the new artwork will be up this week…it’s the one with the cop on it)

This event WILL sell out! You have an advantage though, you’re anal and pay much attention to detail…we don’t. So most firefighters are gonna wait a couple of weeks to buy their tickets and dinners. So buy sooner than later and you won’t have to jump the wall.

The last thing we need to talk about is the mustache you’re gonna grow for the next 6 weeks:

Now, I’m not gonna remind you that it’s for charity, for Suzeth. I won’t mention that it’s only 6 weeks out of the year or that it builds up the team and morale around the work place. I won’t remind you that it sparks conversation and excites the elderly women who still remember Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds as the topic of their favorite dreams.


But, I know how you feel…


You’re lookin’ at your face right now and your sayin’, “Man face, you look good…reeeel good. Now why would I go and mess you up when you’re lookin’ soooo gooood?” Why? Because, this is what is going to happen:


You’re gonna show up on October 15th at Stone Brewery, with your Stache-Tober Fest t-shirt, feelin’ real confident. “I’m a cop (or supporter of), this is a safety event, I belong here,” you’ll think to yourself. Then you’ll enter the gates and you see thousands of mustached supporters bathing in the glory of this fine charity. They are walking taller than you, stronger than you, as if there is some mythical power flowing from the follicles of their face. “How is this possible,” you ponder, “I thought only firefighters and circus midgets grow mustache’s now a days?” But there they are…all of them, possessing a stache without you. And all of the sudden that mustache on all your brothers (and sisters) never looked so good. “Mustache’s are in, TONIGHT?! Dang it!” Like your first day of 5th grade when you showed up to school with hot pink Local Motion shorts and a matching pink shirt only to realize that neon pink went out of style in the early 80’s (My mom bought it ok, I didn’t know!)

And then they’ll look at you. And their hairy smiles of power and joy will turn to disgust. They’ll shake their fluffy faces at you in shame. The entourage of supporters and fans will point and laugh at your embarrassingly naked face. Babies will cry, children will scream and that one crazy guy that MC’s the event will be sure to mention what a poser you are, showing up here looking like that. You’ll think, “if only someone would have warned me.” And then you’ll weep like an insecure little child. Your friends will abandon you, you’re beer will become warm and your brothers will strip you of the beautiful shirt you are so unworthy to be wearing. So heed my warning! Mark my words! And as William Wallace said in his famous speech at the battle of Sterling on the subject of mustaches: “And on that day (10/15/14), would you be willing to trade all the days between this day to that, for one chance, JUST ONE CHANCE, to come back here with a glorious mustache and say to your brethren, ‘The Stache may take our wives but it’ll never take our FREEDOM?!!!’” Grow on people, don’t be afraid.


Ps. The sites open, take a pic of your clean-shaven face with a newspaper and up load it: Buy your shirts, dinner, spread the word etc. First come first served. Thanks