We of the fire service have been doing ourselves a DIS-service . Many of us have been missing an integral part of our ancient follicular history. Some of you have been looking quite pathetic lately. I’ve seen you strutin’ around the station, naked, the sun reflecting off of your bald upper lip…it’s embarrassing really. You’re a FIREMAN! Well…unless you’re a woman. And ladies, you should be upset too. A fireman without a mustache is like a racecar without an engine, a jock without a rash, an Italian without a gold chain…spineless, empty, wanting.
And you mustached firefighters are no better. When’s the last time you put some legitimate love into that thing? Combed it, caressed it, wore it with purpose? Yea, that’s what I thought. It’s embarrassing. I know, I know, I can hear the peanut gallery now, “what about you Polito, where’s your mustache?” I have a legitimate excuse: I got into a lot of trouble last year. My mustache exceeded the normal standards of “awesome-ness” and I was placed on a three-hundred and twelve day probation. I couldn’t legally grow one until Sept 1st, yesterday. My wife was s-u-u-p-e-rbummed about the whole thing. “Sweety, when are you gonna grow that deliverance-looking-spectacle on your face again? Has it been 312 days yet?” “Sorry babe, just hang in there, we’re soo close.” But I’m on my way now.
The last time I went on a medical aid, my patient was a 60-some year old female with a poster of magnum PI over her bed. There was Tom Seleck in all his glory. I could see her through the front window, bouncing up and down with excitement to see us, yet poised and ready to act really, really sick. We walked into the house and she looked right at my upper lip. Her hope turned to rage, her excitement to despair. All her memories associated with manhood were muddied by my pre-pubescent face. Her assumption that she could extend her fading fantasies with a visit from the one vocation that wouldn’t fail her mustache expectations was brought to a screeching halt. She looked at me, looked at Tom Seleck and then looked at me again. In the end she refused service, she was so upset. I didn’t know patients got that upset. It was a sad, sad story. I felt like I let the public down.
So here we are, Sept 2nd. What kind of Man are you gonna be? And don’t worry, those of you that are still waiting for your armpits to sprout. Variety is the spice of life. If you boys didn’t grow, no one would realize how truly awesome the rest of our mustache’s really are. But come on, it’s for charity! We are raising funds this year for Suzeth, the 4 year old daughter of Officer Laura of Escondido PD, left behind from her murder. Suzeth is in pretty bad shape. Being that her mother is gone, her father is not in the picture and she lost much of her belongings and memories to the fire set to their home after the murder. She is currently living in a 1 bedroom apartment with her grandparents. The Escondido PD is doing a valiant job caring for Suzeth and we want to help. And this is how we do it, we grow mustaches, it’s what we do. Cops and fireman have a special relationship, we back each other up. Plus, to you civilians, the cops are watching. Each one of your bald faces is like a straight up rejection, a slap in the face. I’d imagine if you get pulled over in Escondido for doing 70 in a 40 and as the mustached cop comes to your window, you push out your upper lip and mention that you’re growing your stache for the orphaned daughter of a fallen police officer, you might get a little mercy.
So grow a stache, buy 20 shirts and get your tickets/ dinners early. We WILL sell out this year. And folks, if you appreciate your kids, your family, your health and are moved by Suzeth’s tragedy, drop some coin for her on the donation link http://stachetoberfest.net/product/donation . Donate to this sweet little 4 year old. It means, school clothes and supplies, food, healthcare and maybe a little college savings (if we really rock it!).
Thanks, you’re appreciated
PS. PLEASE PASS THE WORD