Event Date: Monday October 22nd, 2018
Here we are once again on the cusp of temporarily changing your facial identity for the love and glory of humanity and A’merica! As I sit here, growing my mustache (it grows when I’m thinking sometimes), I cannot help but reflect back over the years of StachetoberFest. What a legacy we have accidentally created. Most of my legacies are accidents, some of them have children’s names. Anyways, StachetoberFest is just around the corner! Mustaches are just around the corner! I saw last year’s Hilary stache getting a head start on his mustache in hopes of entering into a different bracket. It was cute aaaaannnnd it still looks unconstitutional.
So folks, it is hard to believe, but this is our 11th year! Crazy! In order to celebrate and in light of the numerous requests of many patrons, we have decided to finally raise the entrance fee to $20. I know, I know, you are all very excited, as you should be. This is great news!
Kind of funny: we always try and get donations from venues that are frequented by firefighters and so this year we hit up Uber. Being a big corporation, they have you fill out a lot of paperwork and often go back-and-forth via email. We told them that we would like to request some Uber vouchers for this year’s event (we highlighted drinking and safety of course) and they responded with “how many?” Now, when you do charity begging, there’s always a fine-line and a political stance you have to take on how much you should ask for. You ask for too much and they tell you to pound sand. You ask for too little, they say “yes,” and then you realize you could’ve asked for way more. In this case, we decided, “oh what the hell, let’s just go for the gold!” So we answered as meekly as you could via email, “how about 700!?” And who woulda believed it? They gave them to us! Yahtzee!!! There is some FinePrint: you have to be a first time Uber user, good up to $20. But if I know me a fireman, I am confident all 700 of you can find your way home via Uber. I don’t know if you’ve heard of “Uber Eats?” It’s where you pay an Uber driver to pick up your food and bring it to you… “Daddy, why are Americans so fat?” Well, they donated $10 off your first eat. So the way I figure, is once Stone kicks you out, you call an Uber, tell them to pick you up a crate of Hang-Over Tacos from Jack in the Box and then drive you home. Nailed it! So as a thank you and a guilt offering for raising the price, you will all (first 700) receive these 2 vouchers with your entrance ticket. Thank you Uber!
Let’s review the details: 2018’s StachetoberFest will befall us on October 22nd at the legendary Stone Brewing World Bistro & Gardens from 5 PM until close-ish. I say close-ish because removing drunk firefighters from a brewery is a very ish sort of task. The only thing more difficult than removing intoxicated firefighters from a brewery is removing drunk police officers from a brewery. They get entitled, they’re not used to receiving authoritative instructions, they have weapons…you know how it goes. Last year, we just put a box of donuts in the parking lot and they all lumbered out eventually.
You may enter for a bargain deal of $20 and if you want to partake of the stone-discounted-smorgasbord-buffet, it is $30 in addition. Because we like you, we are going to give you a commemorative pint glass for all night beer consumption or wear it as a hat (additional glasses-$5). Stone will be graciously brewing their annual Ashey Stache in which two dollars of each glass will go towards the fund and one dollar of all other Stone beers will also go to the fund. Wine drinkers- go to Napa! But on October 4th, come drink beer with us!
T-shirts will be sold with the 10th annual logo on them. For those of you who collect comic books and action figures and pin them on your wall in mint condition, you can also buy one of these shirts and preserve it in the original plastic for $20. If enough nerds buy them, I’m sure they’ll hold their value. Supply and demand baby!
As always hooded sweatshirts will be sold as well. I wish I could predict the weather. Last year it was colder than a cop’s soul and we could’ve made a killing but we didn’t buy that many. I will check the weather ahead of time!
This year we recruited a couple of high level, highly trained, organized creatures (they’re women) to collect prizes and organize their distribution for our silent auction and mustache competition. We are raking it this year people! Thanks Ladies! There will be more details in later emails but we have numerous hotels/vacation stays as well as highly coveted firefighter-esk items (“esk” is very similar to “ish”), namely: booze, golf, guns and food-esk-ish stuff (We’ll throw up a list on the website once we have it).
Thanks to all of you who sent me information on local tragedies that are worthy of this event. We are currently sorting through them all and I would guess that our next email will name the recipient.
This last part of the email is for the real men and hormonally-mal-adjusted-ish women. Grow a mustache! The shave date is August 24th. Take a selfie of your clean shaven face next to a dated periodical and upload it to our website: http://stachetoberfest.net/submissions Existing mustaches are always welcome and will be judged separately (registration is not necessary for existing mustaches). I don’t want to see a single naked male upper lip at the event this year. We have to check with our lawyer, but there may even be a “I’m-a-poo-poo-face-and-didn’t-grow-a-mustache” cover charge. So, if you care about people other than yourselves or you’re a cheap skate, bite the bullet, grow a mustache! Don’t worry if it doesn’t look good, the cop’s mustaches never look good and we still give them prizes. Speaking of the cops, the fuzz, the PO PO, all the flat foots, gum shoes, cherry toppers, do-do nutters, the heat, five-oh, Johnny Law, the rollers, Law-Dogs, and Escondido’s finest: the deal is still on the table- if EPD takes home 5 categories, I’ll let you shave off my stache. Now I said shave. I can picture you sadistic heroes bringing a Brazilian wax kit or a bottle of Nair. And remember, in order to win 5 categories, at least 5 cops have to come to the event (if this doesn’t make sense, ask your kindergartener). Either way, grow a mustache. If you don’t look good, I’ll make fun of you. It will be like middle school again, except you’ll be rewarded with prize-esk-ish stuff. Win win.
So get your face ready, prep your wife, “No Dominic, I won’t kiss you! Your mustache smells like old drool!” Buy some beard oil (beardedsavant.com), “Wow Dominic, you smell like a sexy lumberjack!” and come to StachetoberFest…the world is counting on you. Thanks!
ps. We found a box of unclaimed shirts, in an unused office, in the dungeon of our fire admin building, guarded by trolls. Don’t worry, we vanquished the trolls and recovered the shirts. We will be contacting those individuals to figure out a way to reunite you with your investment…sorry about that. You could always upsell them on ebay to the nerds that didn’t buy ‘em last year.
All donations and benefit products can be purchased at http://stachetoberfest.net Do it now, you’ll be selfish by morning